The Lowbrowser

Until today, I thought Japanese television was the greatest in the world. I think the whole country probably has secret meetings where they sit around a giant table, peel off their human disguises to reveal their true identities as talking robot dogs and conspire to dominate Earth culture through pure awesomeness. What else could account for this?



It really just makes me want to hug the Japanese more than anything else. All the American economists who are terrified by the incursion of their technology into our markets need only to watch that video to know that even if in twenty years we're all eating kelp and Asimo is president, the world will be an alright place.

Try having that same sense of security after watching this video:



The only thing that's keeping us secure as the foremost world power is that we've hauled so much ass in arms stockpiling for so long that everyone else has been too terrified even to fart in our presence lest we launch tactical nukes down their and their moms' throats for twenty years. But we've lost our edge. Need proof?



There is nothing amusing about China's animals. Their equivalent to "Planet's Funniest Animals" would probably be something like "China's Strongest Animals Engage in Mortal Combat for Glory of the Republic," hosted by a nameless man with one eye and a machete for an arm.



Chinese bears are so hardcore that in the middle of getting eaten by a tiger they'll stop to have a nice snack and rattle off quips. When the shit hits the fan and we're all futilely trying to climb out of the reach of the Communist laser-bear army, only one question will remain: whose side will PETA join?

We have a lot of work to do.